Okay update.... taking 5 to 10 minutes quick before I hop in the shower and head back up to "keep them believing" !!! Now I don't believe in god, I am not an atheist or anything but I am just a believer in different aspects of things.... I believe you die and you come back as ___?___ so reincarnation, just to share that..... anyways but I don't throw the prayer thing around and that is because I feel it is a serious request meant for those serious times and times that "BELIEF" is needed. With that said, thank you all for giving the belief today as it was very much so needed. As everybody knows I am a great novelist and very detailed in description so to quickly write you all a 10 page chapter before I head back up there to continue this book for the road of stories to come ahead, Please keep sending your prayer and your belief. I am going to let you all know what happened today....
Ok, so I got there and they had to put him on a heart and lung machine. "lifesupport" that is what it is. Jason's heart has failed. it will not beat on its own at this point. So as I spent 7 hours standing there holding his arm and my hand over his heart wanting to just feel it, I asked every which question you can think of and I asked every 12 individuals that I met series of questions upon questions upon questions, I learned A LOT today ;) SO when I went back to see him they were going to do a suction and didn't think I would want to be present, (I would have not cared) but I respected the space and the Head Nurse walked along with me and she said after they were done the doctor would come talk to me (us) at that time Emma's doctor's office was calling and I stepped outside so I could do as the doctor had ordered and get her in immediately as she was sleeping on her daddy's chest hours before departure..... she needed tamiflu and to be checked out. My brother and his wife Cindy are taking care of Emma for me and Jason during this time and for that I thank them tremendously!!! mean while I had to make a phone call to my dad as Jason works with him and just left the night before and came back and well they were supposed to start work by 8 am. so basically I was "calling in sick for him" peckerhead!! skipping out on work sheesh, jk.
SO My dad just adores Jason, so you can tell how that conversation had. ok. I went back into the waiting room and "the Family" was asking did they talk to you? did they find you? I said NO WHAT ???? WHAT"S UP??? the answer: well the doc came back in and said he's not going to make it. well at that moment my whole world STOPPED. LIKE STOPPED!!! and something inside me said NOPE, THIS IS BULLSHIT AND NOPE ITS NOT OKAY! so I argued (imagine that) and I said what do you mean blah blah blah, well he has mersa in his lungs. about that moment I said FUCK ME WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, he can't leave me no please don't let him leave me (as I have this over whelming fear of this anyway) so the doctor pops back in and said his lungs are very diffusely damaged and the outlook was grimm he'd be lucky to make it. So completely not convinced I started messaging my doctor/ Jason's Doctor, and spot on with everything told to her and her diagnosis (with out seeing him or charts of course) was one that would be made by any great doctor and that was if the doctor told you the chances were not good then he is probably not going to make it and prepare yourself. YOU GUYS I AM STILL LIKE NO..... and HOW DO WE FIX THIS??? you can fix this!!! they are going to fix this dammit! now i am not kidding he is not leaving me right now and ......... then the head nurse comes in grabs the chair next to me and says are you his girl friend I said yes, she said let me explain to you today, I said ok go ahead, she explained then she said I bet you want to come see him dont you I said yes yes I do she said come on then, so we walked down the hallway, got to the door way and they dressed me in a cover gown and a mask and i went in. I could only cry. just cry and touch him and ask him to please not leave me. Please don't go I will be lost with out you what the fuck am I gonna tell Emma? so about then the heart doctor comes in, he does an ultra sound of his heart and I watched and participated in locating a blood clot. then we got to talking and I stopped him and I said look, look at my phone I showed him a message between me and my doctor, I said I want you to talk to me like that. Just black and white please don't give me any false hope or that let down easy bull shit. I am not in to that ! he says ok...... he is dead. I said ok doc. he says that machine is what is keeping him here. I said yes I gathered that. (where the fuck i got this braveness from who knows but it was there and i was holding strong and standing ground) in my head everyone its saying NOT YOU NOT YOU AND NOT ANY OF YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THAT PERSON FROM ME! when i say i am not ready dammit I mean i am not ready and i have the balls to fight any one that wants to try to take him...... he is my only friend I told the doctor and i said you see I am not ready to give up my only friend to some stupid bullshit so i get it and all that that thing right there is his life. and this is his corpse. with functioning organs except his heart and lungs. so how are we fixing this? he says fixing it? its not fixing? its healing and its fighting infection and I am sorry he has no real positive outlook for this so about the blood clot.... i said ok tell me about this he said since his heart is not beating the blood rested ....... blah blah blah. I said ok that is great, so cut him open you don't have to shave him he has a nice bare chest for you and simply tweeze it out. at this point he is like who the fuck is this girl? but semi appreciative at the same time as i was reluctant to give up. so he started further explaining things and said he needs his lungs to provide oxygen so his heart can beat his heart needs to beat to ..... you get it..... ok ..... so how bad are his lungs. they are bad. i said bad like cut them out and get a new pair or bad like lets clean them up and baby them back to health, he says no cutting out he is too sick for that he will die on the table. OK rule out finding some unlucky bystander because shits gettin real fucking serious and i will do anything i have to to ensure that he is going to come home with me one way or another. So he said we need to let the anti biotic do its thing. 24-48 hours. if the antibiotic works and kills off the flu and this infection his lungs can begin a long recovery but if a chance then they will start to heal. I said ok then THANKS THATS A POSITIVE... he says no, no positive, I said well yes that would be a positive IF IT happens.... listen bud you are not going to win any argument with me so if Jason wicker can learn that you will too...... we agreed in different ways ; ) so I asked what about his heart? he said that is the really unknown thing right now. As it looks, not so likely. but if a chance then it comes down to Jason. I said like what? jumpstarting his own heart? he smiled. I said well doc no, how about you grab a fucking needle right now and you stab him in the heart like pulp fiction!!! with adrenaline. He said no that will not work. I said ok then, then go get those paddle things and you shock his heart.... he said still wont work. I said with more frustration ok then can he be like a fuckiing frog then and have his own electronic jumpstart and ....... no that would be a miracle.... so i smiled and i said ok then, so your telling me this, that you can cut my fucking heart out of my chest right here on this table correct? and then you can walk it two doors down and sew it into that person, correct? and you can make my fucking heart beat inside another persons chest and give to them the beautiful gift of LIFE..... a beating heart..... then doctor i suggest you start figuring out how you are going to make this man's heart start fucking beating because he is not going out like this..... do you understand me? he is not ready! and i know this because I feel it, about this time my eyes are welting up and the faucets turn on full board. he says puzzled a little, well i didn't look at it that way before! I said you gotta believe! and believe me when the time comes and I tell him what to do HE IS GOING TO DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY. we share a special bond you see, one that is sickening at times because we literally cannot stand to be apart. its heart breaking to us to be away from one another. and you or no one else is taking him away from me. he said ok. then showed me his lung x rays and i seen the full of infection on every available area inside the lung and i said ok, so lets just take a tube and suck that crap out? not that simple..... I thought well goddam it. he says i'll give you this, if he can fight the flu then some how beat these infections and can make his heart beat then you win. I said ok. well you get started then on getting rid of that clot then, I got work to do. thank you. and we parted. then i spent 6 hours getting educated and starting to do what i do best and convince the nurses that my theory is real and i am gonna show you..... first showing: and this is where I want every one to know that I STILL NEED YOU OK SO DON"T YOU DARE GO AWAY AND THINK THAT YOU ARE ALL DONE!!! because you are NOT... do you HEAR ME!! JASON NEEDS YOU. #1 as i start to convince this fellow that i am crazy but not crazy he starts talking to me about how funny i said this because earlier that morning jason started breathing against the ventilator and was over powering it, which was before the heart issue of his failing of course but they had to stop him so he is saying to me how his will to live is strong.....about that time he kicks his foot.... he is heavily sedated PEOPLE..... because his life is lodged into his groin and the wrong tug or movement would mean unstoppable DEATH. more than he already is is how you can see it or put it. so he kicks his foot and in restraints tried to life an arm so i hurried over and grabbed his hand and i stayed quiet because this is the doctors moment. and the doctor is leaning over him toward me and he is digging through his tubes i said uh doc...... you need to talk to him. remember he is waking up and you are across his chest right now, so the doc goes hello jason, I am doctor so and so, I am going to put something in your iv Jason can you hear me? Jason opens his eyes. then kicks his feet, the doc is scrambling now then he says Jason your in the ICU in critical care you are very very sick I have Lauren stan........(ding) at that moment he is trying to arch his back and lift himself like a jolting or jumping motion toward me I put my hand on his shoulder and i say JASON YOU NEED TO STOP IT. OK. BABY YOU HAVE TO HOLD STILL BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PULL THE TUBES FROM YOUR LEG OR YOU WILL DIE AND THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO FOR YOU. AND YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE CAN NOT BE HIGH STOP JASON TRUST ME I PROMISE YOU ITS OKAY BABY I AM HERE AND YOU ARE OK YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT I BELIEVE IN YOU DON'T LEAVE ME I AM RIGHT HERE I PROMISE I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. the doc sedated him good. so that is the first belief ...... the FIRST of me PROVING FAITH!!!! and positive ..... finding that positive giving that reason that drive...... the second as we are sitting there he starts squeezing my hand and twitching etc. at this point I am making the doctors and the nurses start admitting that any good things to do with his readings or levels or what ever are positives...... though they and I agreed that them saying its not a decline meant the same thing. and after about 12 or 13 of those well it's not a decline and my many stories of the Lauren and Jason adventures they were all semi intrigued. they had this plum crazy girl standing here not a lick of medical experience what so ever but a will and a belief so great they had no choice but to see the truth in front of them because not only did i just make it go from i am sorry Lauren you lost your soul but now its well thats a start to a long recovery but not a decline I thought well son of a bitch!!!! then I was telling them about how we came about.... I said he was in tough and down times. he was my friend for many years before, his dad who passed ...... --interrupt to look even crazier--- Dale now dammit he can't be going fishing he needs to stay here with me you'll have to come again later now is not the time Dale he has shit to do and fishing is not one of them!!!! and white ball gowns Dale Wicker you tell Landon Foster and Jacob Evans that Jason is not going out with them right now or anytime this next few days either that unless they want me to come find them myself and beat the shit out of either of them then they need to help him back to me please. and thankyou. miss you dale. love you too. then I said you see Jason was empty inside and broken down and beaten I came along and showed him that no matter what the situation DON"T YOU EVER EVER GIVE UP AND YOU LOOK FOR YOUR POSITIVE .... HERE I WILL SHOW YOU, and you see he aint ever left since and I am not about to go letting him leave now because threre is positive energy in here i can feel it and when you all said he was toast earlier something inside me started screaming no its not time. i don't know if you all believe in shit like this but i do and i have felt orbs and energies since i was a small kid. I used to be scared of it and then i just accepted it, you ask any of my friends from child hood and about every house i lived in was haunted in fact one year ago jason was taking pictures of me and my girls together then set the camera on just me and the orbs that circled me were amazing as i brought so much energy in the room but if allie or emma came near me they would zip off in all directions!
Dust particles? naw...... just ask him when he wakes up in a few days he will tell you. so ......then this nurse was like hmmmmm a few minutes later avri walks in. I said avri you need to talk to him. he needs to hear your voice. avri stood by him and held his hand and looked so i walked up and started telling him the deal and the situation and some how in the conversation i said i am not kidding you guys you need to believe OK..... just believe!!! you tell me anything you want him to do and i will tell him to do it and he will, they looked like yeah ok lauren..... i said i swear it ( proof #3) listen guys we went camping on the east side i was prego with emma. we were driving around and i heard a rattle Jason stopped the car fastly.... i look at him and i say "KILL IT BABE KILL IT" and he jumps out the truck like a wild banshee and grabs a 5 foot stick and 3 big rocks and kills me a snake, he comes walking up with a shit eaten grin and i said ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???? HE SAYS NO BABY YOU TOLD ME TO KILL IT AND I LOVE YOU SO I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU ASK ME TOO!!!!
at this very moment i want you all to know something.... BELIEVE OK ......BELIEVE two tears fell from Jasons closed eyes and strum down his cheek , AVRI WATCHED, I wiped his tears and i said awe baby don't cry i love you too and i am going to make sure they all believe me your not leaving me and i made my point tonight. as i was clearing out to leave the nurse said are you going to stay the night? as they don't let you really and this man knows this..... I said i will talk to the nurses about it.... he said there is no beds .... and you ..... well you probably can't fit on here with him, I said oh i can fit. I can lay right there or ontop of him ..... now, what do you think? I am telling you all I am jumping in the shower and i am going down there i am not leaving him again because it seems when i left him he gave up and was scared and lost until he was shown that i was here and i was not letting go I NEED YOUR HELP TO BELIEVE IN HIM!!!! this is very scary and it is literally in gods hands ..... there is nothing the hospital can "do for him" that will just FIX THIS OKAY. HE IS THERE BUT GONE ....... I am going to do my damndest to keep him and i think the docs and the nurse seen that was possible today I am bringing a pillow and a blanket with me and if i have to sleep on the floor next to him or keep fighting with thtem that i can just lay there by him i am going to because the night before he left to go get antibiotics and come back home he was very scared and wanted me to lay with him and i chose not to..... I regret that so much it literally sends a knife through me you havent the slightest idea of how bad this hurts me. Please keep believing. there may be a god there may not be but for what ever reason there is Jason wicker is still fighting and he showed them today that love will win and faith does exist and miracles do happen. I ask this one thing tho everyone if any of your family members or loved ones show signs of the flu or cold etc please go to the hospital this did not appear to be a "big" deal a few days ago...... and now my baby is on the teeter totter of life and this is no fun gamble. my adrenaline is fueled and i will never give up on that man so don't give up on us!!!!