I destroyed my body, for a peace of mind I never got.
Once I seen results it became an addiction.
As I grew thinner, my insecurities took on the weight.
Bones began to show, yet my confidence did not.
As my scale read 94lbs, my mind read fat in the mirror.
For every pound I lost, there were always 5 more to lose.
My mind began to distort my mirror. Where there were ribs, I seen rolls.

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips."
"Nothing tastes as sweet as being skinny feels"
All things I told myself, but even the casual "you're too thin" couldn't feed my hunger to stop losing weight. Nothing cured my cravings like seeing a smaller number every time i saw a smaller number on my scale. modest designed wedding garment in vintage style

My mind, my body, my health, my heart. All at war with each other.
I would be lying if I said that low grumble crying out in pain and starvation didn't become a euphoria to me. I was addicted to the self destruction.
I would be lying if I told you I don't reek of envy when I look at these pictures.
I would be lying if I told you Im not still addicted to numbers on my scale.
I would be lying if I told you I didn't try to count calories before ordering off a menu or prepping a meal.
I would be lying if I told you thinking of being thinner doesn't consume my day dreams.
I would be lying if I told you I didn't agonize and cry my way through a majority of my pregnancy, watching myself swell to 175lbs.

I would be lying if I told you I didn't have eating disorder.
And I would be lying to say I understand it.
Maybe it's a way to subconsciously control the chaos of life.
Maybe it's because I'm just weak.
Maybe I don't have an excuse.

Maybe the hardest part about recovery is when you're not so sure you want to recover.
Going back and forth between forever wanting to wither away....
Reminiscing on a false past, glamorizing your sickness.
Knowing right from wrong, only to justify yourself by feeling right in the wrong.
But how do you justify something so self inflicted, something you pray your daughter never endures.

You don't. You take it day by day.
You slowly try to remind yourself that weight isn't something you judge other people on, so why do it to yourself.
You're friends and family don't see you as a number on a scale, so why treat it like it's the winning numbers to a power-ball.
I don't want my daughters to see self image as demeaning.

And for that I must try. Try to replace critique with commitment to self love.
Try to replace degrading starvation quotes with inspirations of a better future filled with confidence and self respect for my daughters.
And realizing my daily struggles, are a daily reminder to love myself.